


the snakes start to sing (and my soul's a sorry state)

by Jongiq



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Mental Institution, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, Dark, Depression, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mental Institutions, Psychology, References to Depression, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, psychiatry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-07
Updated: 2017-12-07
Packaged: 2019-02-11 21:58:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12944847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jongiq/pseuds/Jongiq
Summary: Depression. It was like quicksand. I was drowning before I realized.When I sat down for breakfast, I knew the nurses were gonna notice. They’re gonna tell on me to the doctor. I used to be so good at pretending. My parents had no idea until it was almost too late. Of course the doctors and nurses were smarter than that. And now my parents didn’t fall for it anymore, either. Acting like I was fucking four years old again and couldn’t take care of myself.Maybe they were right. The scars marring my skin were proof of that.





	the snakes start to sing (and my soul's a sorry state)

**Author's Note:**

> Main Pairings: Jongdae x Junymyeon, Baekhyun x Chanyeol  
> Genre: Angst, Mental Institution AU set somewhere around the 1970s  
> Rated Mature for themes like Depression, Anxiety, Mental Health Issues and Self-Harm
> 
> Crossposted on AFF

**_PROLOGUE_ **

_Something in me decided that nothing good came out of psychiatric hospitals and other psychiatric settings alike._

_The people involved were always negative. Even if they tried not to be. Looking at you with scrutinizing eyes. Filled with disappointment, or worse, **empathy**. _

_Because they didn’t have empathy for you. They didn’t understand you at all. The psychiatrists tried to, but they never really could. Always a little hesitant to believe whatever you were saying._

_Things like ‘’I’m fine.’’_

_‘’I took my meds today,’’ and ‘’I ate all my vegetables.’’_

_Sometimes it even felt like they ignored you._

_‘’Am I supposed to feel like this?’’_

_or,_

_‘’What are these pills for?’’_

_They’re dizzying me._

_What are you feeding me?_

**_Lies_ ** _._

 

 

**_Ch.1: FRAGMENTED_ **

\\\           (jongdae)

The whole place seemed to exist in a permanent state of dull. The colors were boring and faded. 

A hand clamped around my wrist like a vice. A sign that said, don’t try anything funny. Even if I hadn’t given them any reason to believe I would. The nurse led me down a wide hall, with uncomfortable-looking wooden benches lining the walls. There were patients, either staring at me with their gazes fixed, or looking so dazed they didn’t even seem to be on this planet. The moment I’d stepped foot into the building I’d sensed their eyes on me. Inspecting me, examining me. From the way I looked (awful, I realized when I saw myself in the mirror later) to the way my fingernails were scratching the skin off my palms.

At the reception desk, a nurse was typing on the computer; the keys of the mechanical keyboard rattling in my ears. She took a good look at me, before disappearing behind the monitor again.

The second corridor led to an elevator, where the nurse guided me to stand next to him. He pushed some buttons and when the doors closed, I counted the bells. There were 2, indicating that we arrived on the third floor. Another corridor followed and I was faced with two thick, steel doors and a sign next to them.

**[ RESTRICTED ACCESS ]**

The nurse guiding me got a key out and opened the door for us. He held his hand on my shoulder as he locked the door, but I was too intrigued by my new surroundings. As my eyes wandered, so did my feet. The nurse quickly caught up to me and grabbed me by my elbow.

‘’Gotta check you in first, buddy,’’ his bored voice sounded.

He guided me to a counter, where a female nurse was waiting with an equally bored look. I’d never seen such a sour face before in my life. Not even from my high-school English teacher. There was no computer on her desk like at the reception, just a phone, a card index and some loose papers messily scattered across. Behind her desk sat a cabinet with glass doors, showing it was full of jars of different sizes, filled with all kinds of pills.

The male nurse handed over some documents and turned back around, walking back through the hallways and leaving me with Sour-face.

‘’Come with me,’’ she droned, walking around the counter.

We walked past a common area, decorated overall with some dull-colored furniture and a few bright accents like warm yellows and royal blues. Two large windows looked over part of the forest surrounding the building. There were two men looking out the window, talking in hushed voices. I assumed they were patients, judging from their clothes and posture. They didn’t notice me.

She showed me to my room, one with a single bed and a small closet. The color of the walls mimicked the forest I could see from the small, barred window. I quickly gathered that I wasn’t going to have to share a 7 m2 space. A solitary space for me and my thoughts.

 

\\\

 

‘’So, you’re the new guy.’’

‘’What?’’

‘’I see you already met our lovely nurse Kyungsoo,’’

‘’Who?’’

I looked at the guy’s face. He had a boyish look, and he didn’t seem like he was old enough to be in a place like this. He has a mischievous look on his face, like ‘trouble’ was on his permanent state of mind. 

‘’You know, the guy who brought you in,’’ he explained. ‘’Believe me when I say he’s a real sweetheart in comparison to some others here.’’

He nodded towards the female nurse who had shown me to my room. A chill ran down my back. I looked away from the stranger’s face.

‘’Anyway, I’m Baekhyun. And from that wristband I assume you’re Kim Jongdae.’’

I looked down to the band around my wrist and felt the smooth texture between my fingers. They’d put it there during the examination, but I couldn’t recall the exact moment.

‘’I’ve been here for a while,’’ he sent me an encouraging smile. A smile that felt like it should have comforted me. But the meaning behind it was miserable.

I nodded and looked back at the bowl of rice and vegetables in front of me. Baekhyun eyed my food before looking at the clock above the door. It was nearing four.

‘’Did you meet any of the others yet? There’s not a lot of us.’’

‘’You’re the first,’’ I answered. ‘’I saw some people in the living area, but I didn’t get to speak with them.’’

When the nurse had brought me to my room, she only let me get a quick view of it before taking me to the small canteen in the ward to get some food.

Baekhyun hummed, then bit his lip as he saw me pushing around some of the vegetables.

‘’I’ll show you around. If you want, I mean,’’ Baekhyun smiled. ‘’Though I wouldn’t judge you if you’d want to finish the cook’s five-star lunch first.’’

I smiled wryly. The vegetables were tasteless, but at least the rice was okay.

‘’Let’s go then,’’ I said as I dropped the cutlery next to my bowl.

Baekhyun was sliding back his chair when we heard a voice from the other side of the canteen.

‘’The new kid is not going anywhere.’’

‘’Aw, Kyungsoo.’’ Baekhyun pouted in a childish manner.

But the nurse merely raised his eyebrow, questioning the patient in a manner I assumed he’d had to have done a lot in the past. Baekhyun seemed to be the clown of the class, I could tell. Even though I hadn’t met the others, he reminded me of classmates I’d had in high school.

The boy ran off before I could look him in the eye.

 

I ran into Baekhyun again an hour later, when he came up behind me as I sat on the couch.

The living area was of a decent size. A mustard yellow couch faced two armchairs, from which you could look into hallway leading up to the entrance of the ward. Underneath the windows was a bookcase lining the wall, the shelves holding books, bibles but also board games and other necessities for all different kinds of leisurely activities. The shelving was deep enough to sit upon and look out of the window onto a courtyard and the beginning of the path leading up to the building, disappearing just around the corner.

There were plants and paintings and the sounds of a record player, sitting on top of the shelving, filling empty space: a distraction from an empty mind. An empty mind was a dangerous path that could lead to intrusive thoughts and despair. Like quicksand.

‘’Did you make friends with the staff yet?’’ Baekhyun asked jokingly, glancing at the male nurse who’d brought me in here a few hours ago. I believe he was called Kyungsoo, but I couldn’t remember clearly.

Everything that had happened still hadn’t caught up to me yet. Being picked up, brought into the facility and everything that led up to that moment was still a blur.

I’d had a short meeting with my assigned doctor while Baekhyun had gone away. Doctor Kim had told me that temporary memory loss of traumatic events was normal, and that I ‘shouldn’t worry about it.’ That was easier said than done, though. Memories of a week ago plagued my mind, but I couldn’t distinguish the point in time where it all went wrong.

‘’I met my doctor,’’ I answered. ‘’He seems… nice.’’

Doctor Kim came to get me shortly after I’d taken the last few bites of my bland vegetables. We sat in the living area, since there was no one around anyway. The doctor was a man I assumed was in his 50s. He’d told me a little about himself, trying to get me to loosen up. He told me about his son who was just a few years older than me. Apparently he aspired to be doctor just like himself.

My appointments would be scheduled every day between 9 and 10, except on Wednesdays and on the weekends. On Wednesdays and Fridays there would be group sessions.

‘’Doctor Kim? Which one?’’ Baekhyun asked me.

‘’The… one with the son?’’ I answered, unsure of what to say.

‘’Ah, him. He likes to talk about him a lot. He’s not my doctor, though,’’ Baekhyun commented, sitting down on one of the armchairs when he saw other people approach.

‘’Sehun, Jongin, come meet our latest addition, Jongdae’’ he said, looking at the boys while gesturing towards me.

I tensed when they came into view. A lanky boy with sharp features stared at me with a blank expression. The other, a boy with rounder features and a lot more muscle, sent me a smile.

‘’I’m Jongin,’’ he introduced himself with a smile. ‘’This is Sehun,’’ he gestured towards the boy standing beside him. Sehun frowned at me before disappearing into a different hallway, leading to each of our individual rooms.

‘’Sehun’s not very good around new people. Don’t take it personally,’’ Baekhyun interjected.

Jongin shuffled towards the couch, sitting down right next to me. Apparently, Jongin had never heard of personal space before.

‘’So, Jongdae, how old are you?’’ he asked, looking at me intently.

‘’I’m twenty-three,’’ I answered his question awkwardly, tugging at the bracelet. It read my name, date of birth and gender.

‘’Ooooh, you’re the same age as Baekhyun then.’’

That surprised me, recalling how he told me he’d been here for a while. I shot a glance at Baekhyun, noticing him spacing out, not appearing to be listening to our conversation though it was taking place right in front of him.

‘’Sehun and I are both 21, though,’’ Jongin continued.

Jongin tugged on his sleeves, a sign telling me he was more nervous than he led on. If he’d told me he was older than Baekhyun, I would’ve believed it, too. His glasses and posture made him seem more mature.

I saw Sehun come back around the corner, apparently having left to change into a t-shirt and get a book. He went to curl up on the other armchair, next to Baekhyun, without looking at the rest of us. Unlike Baekhyun, however, he did seem to listen in on our conversation.

While Jongin kept asking me questions, I tried to answer them as best as I could. Where I grew up, if I had any siblings. I told him I had a brother, in turn he told me about his sisters.

Baekhyun seemed to wake from his daze when the doors to the ward opened and someone I hadn’t met yet appeared in his sight. I was intrigued to see a smile appear on his face. It wasn’t the same, boxy grin he’d shown me earlier. It more of a soft, shy smile.

‘’Hey guys,’’ I heard a new voice say.

A tall guy, even taller than Sehun I noticed, appeared from around the corner. He introduced himself to me as Chanyeol. He had a completely different air to him than the other nurse, Kyungsoo. His face seemed friendly, and from the way he talked I assumed he was on a friendly basis with the other patients as well.

Just like that, Baekhyun’s cheerful personality took over the mood of the room again. Like he hadn’t just spaced out for an entire fifteen minutes, completely out of it.

Chanyeol announced dinner was soon before he left to take care of some work, but Baekhyun’s mood remained the same. His existing smile only widening whenever Chanyeol walked by every now and then.


End file.
